Considering divorce is rarely a black-and-white decision. For most people, it’s a slow and emotionally complicated process filled with uncertainty, fear, and big questions: Is this really the right move? How will it affect my kids, finances, or future? What should I do first?
Whether you’re still on the fence or you’ve quietly decided to move forward, taking thoughtful steps now can help protect your well-being and set you up for a more stable transition—legally, financially, and emotionally.
Here’s a guide to getting your ducks in a row when you’re contemplating divorce:
1. Get Clarity: You Don’t Have to Decide Alone
If you’re unsure whether you want to stay or leave, consider discernment counseling. Unlike traditional couples therapy (which focuses on fixing the relationship), discernment counseling is designed to help you gain clarity and confidence about your next step. It can be done alone or with your partner, and it’s especially useful when one person is leaning out and the other is leaning in.
Even if you’re not ready to involve a professional, journaling, trusted friends, or a therapist can help you sort through what you want, what’s not working, and what your core needs are.
2. Understand Your Finances
Divorce inevitably involves financial disclosure, division of assets and debts, and planning for life after separation. One of the best things you can do early on is to get familiar with your household finances—especially if you haven’t been the one managing the money.
Start by gathering and making copies of:
- Tax returns (last 2–3 years)
- Bank account statements
- Retirement and investment account statements
- Credit card balances
- Mortgage and loan documents
- Pay stubs or income records
- Household budgets or financial tracking tools (if you have them)
If possible, gather the above documentation for accounts that you or your spouse has an interest in, no matter how they may be titled. You don’t need to figure everything out yet. Just focus on collecting information so you’re not starting from scratch later.
If you’re worried your spouse might cut off access to accounts, move money, or hide financial information, try to collect what you can quietly before discussing divorce. And if safety is a concern, see step 6 below.
3. Think Big Picture: Where Do You Want to Be in a Year?
Before jumping into legal paperwork or moving out, take time to think about your longer-term goals. Where do you want to be one year after the divorce? What about five years? Consider your goals for housing, parenting, work, finances, and emotional well-being. This kind of big-picture thinking can help guide the decisions you make now. Here are some grounding questions to ask yourself to get started:
- Where do I want to be a year from now? Five years from now?
- What will financial stability look like for me?
- What financial habits or skills do I want to build or improve?
- If children are involved:
- How would I like our children to describe the experience of their parent’s divorce ten or twenty years from now?
- What kind of co-parenting relationship do I want?
- How do I want to communicate with my co-parent after the divorce?
- How do I want to feel about myself and my partner on the other side of this?
- What kind of divorce process feels most aligned with my values?
- How important is privacy, cost control, or speed in this process?
You don’t need all the answers, but having long-term goals can help guide your decisions and keep you focused during what may be a very emotional time.
4. Learn About Divorce Process Options
Divorce doesn’t come in one shape or size. Understanding the different ways a divorce can be handled can help you choose a path that aligns with your goals, values, and relationship dynamic.
Here are a few of the most common process options:
- Collaborative Divorce: A voluntary, non-adversarial, client-driven legal process that helps spouses reach agreement on all aspects of their divorce without going to court. Each spouse works with their own Collaboratively trained attorney who provides their client with legal advice and advocacy throughout the process. Additional team members are brought in when appropriate and can include financial professionals, child specialists, and divorce or co-parenting coaches. Spouses must be able to engage in a series of face-to-face meetings to discuss and resolve the case. The Collaborative attorneys work together to draw up the final paperwork and file it with the court, but the parties do not have to go to court.
- Mediation: A voluntary, non-adversarial, client-driven legal process in which a neutral third party facilitates discussion of issues that must be resolved in the divorce, provides education around available options, and helps parties reach agreement. In some instances, a mediator will also prepare the necessary court paperwork and file it on behalf of the parties. Each spouse may work with their own attorney outside of mediation sessions for additional help and legal advice. Spouses must be able to engage in a series of face-to-face meetings and feel comfortable talking about their goals/advocating for themselves in meetings with the other party and the mediator. Often less expensive than Collaborative Divorce and Litigation.
- Litigation: Litigation is a compulsory, adversarial process that is driven by court-imposed deadlines and rules. Spouses hire attorneys who communicate with one another to negotiate agreements. Production of information and documents can be compelled, which can be helpful if either spouse is concerned the other is hiding something. If the parties and their attorneys are unable to reach a settlement, a judge will hear the evidence at a trial and make the final decisions. Litigation can be the best fit in high-conflict cases, cases in which there is no compromise to be made, or cases in which one party is uncooperative or unsafe.
- Unbundled Legal Services: Some attorneys offer limited-scope services for people who want help with specific parts of their case (like reviewing documents, drafting legal paperwork, or preparing the client for mediation) rather than full representation.
5. Talk to an Attorney—Even if You’re Not Ready to File
Divorce is legally complex, and getting advice early can help you avoid costly mistakes later. If you’re worried about being cut off financially or are in a situation involving emotional or physical abuse, speaking with an attorney before telling your spouse about divorce may be essential.
In most cases, you will be working with your divorce attorney, mediator, or Collaborative Divorce team for several months, and finding the right fit can be essential to how you experience the process. Take time to research and meet with a few attorneys before you hire one. Schedule consultations and ask questions about their approach, experience, and communication style. Make sure they offer the services you need depending on your preferred process (Collaborative Law, mediation support, limited-scope, or litigation). And know that you can change attorneys midway through if needed.
The right attorney won’t just know the law—they’ll also be a good fit for your communication style and goals.
6. Prioritize Safety If You’re at Risk
If you are in a relationship where you feel unsafe—emotionally, financially, or physically—it’s crucial to have a plan. Resources such as domestic violence hotlines, advocates, and shelters are available to help you create a strategy for leaving safely.
A few early steps:
- Talk to a domestic violence advocate or local resource center
- Make copies of important documents and store them somewhere safe
- Open a private bank account if possible
- Work with a therapist or counselor who understands trauma and abuse
- Consult an attorney discreetly to understand your rights and options
You don’t have to wait until things escalate to get support.
7. Make a Transitional Financial Plan
Even if you’re not yet sure how property will be divided, think about what your day-to-day finances will look like during the separation process. Will you have income? Where will you live? What expenses will you need to cover?
A transitional plan doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s just a tool to help you move from a shared financial life to a more independent one with as little disruption as possible.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is not just a legal event—it’s a major life transition. There’s no “right” way to move through this stage, and it’s okay to move slowly, quietly, and thoughtfully. The most important thing is to start gathering information, building support, and imagining what life could look like on the other side.
Whether you’re still on the fence or ready to take the next step, you don’t have to go through it alone. The skilled attorneys and mediators at Posey Legal PC are here to help you navigate your options with clarity, compassion, and practical support.
About the author: Jo Posey is a Collaborative attorney and mediator, and the founder of Posey Legal, PC where she and her team help people navigate family transitions with clarity, compassion, and a focus on long-term stability.
