You’re lying next to your partner.
They reach for you, gently, lovingly.
But instead of feeling excited, you feel a wave of discomfort.
You tense up.
You shift the covers.
You worry about how your stomach looks, how your thighs feel, and whether they’re noticing that spot you’re trying to hide.
You want to want it.
But you’re feeling self-conscious.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not broken. You’re not alone. And there’s nothing wrong with you.
Your relationship with your body and your relationship with your sexuality are deeply connected. When you struggle with body image, it can be hard to feel open, confident, and present in intimate moments.
But here’s the good news:
- This isn’t the end of your story.
- You can rebuild your sexual self-esteem.
- You can reconnect with desire.
How You Feel About Your Body Shapes How You Show Up in Bed
Body image is more than just about liking how you look in the mirror. It’s about how you feel living in your body.
- Do you feel at home in your skin?
- Do you trust your body to give and receive pleasure?
- Do you feel worthy of being seen, touched, and desired?
According to a recent study, women with a positive body image reported significantly better sexual desire, satisfaction, and function compared to women who were dissatisfied with their bodies.
The study found that:
- 58% of participants were satisfied with their body image
- 35% were mildly dissatisfied
- 7% were moderately dissatisfied
Those with lower body image also reported higher rates of pain during sex, difficulty with orgasm, and lower levels of arousal and satisfaction.
In other words, how you feel about your body can shape how much you enjoy sex, how much you want sex, and how easily you respond to it.
What Causes Body Image Struggles?
If you feel disconnected from your body, there’s probably a reason. Actually, there are probably many reasons.
Here are just a few:
- Cultural messages. We live in a world that constantly tells us our bodies aren’t good enough. Whether it’s airbrushed models or fitness influencers, the message is often the same: be thinner, be firmer, be flawless.
- Past experiences. Comments from an ex. Being teased in middle school. A parent who criticized your weight. These messages stick with you.
- Medical issues. Illness, injury, or surgeries (especially involving reproductive organs or breasts) can impact how connected you feel to your body.
- Postpartum changes. Giving birth brings a powerful transformation. But it can also leave you feeling like a stranger in your skin.
- Trauma. For some, past experiences with sexual trauma or violation create a deep disconnect between body and desire.
All of these experiences can make you wary of intimacy. They can make it hard to feel safe, soft, or sexy.
And yet, these stories are so common. They don’t make you any less worthy of love or pleasure.
The Body-Mind Connection in the Bedroom
Here’s something no one tells you: Sex happens in the mind just as much as the body.
It’s harder to stay present when you are having negative thoughts about your appearance. You might zone out. You might go through the motions. You might avoid sex altogether.
This can leave both you and your partner feeling confused or rejected. They may not realize it’s not about them, it’s about how you feel about yourself.
One article from the Sexual Medicine Society of North America explains that negative body image can reduce sexual confidence and lead to increased anxiety, avoidance of intimacy, and decreased overall satisfaction.
In contrast, body acceptance and self-compassion are strongly linked to more fulfilling sexual experiences.
How to Start Rebuilding Sexual Self-Esteem
There’s no quick fix here. But there is a path forward.
Here are a few steps that might help:
1. Name what’s going on.
Start by getting honest, with yourself and, when you’re ready, with your partner.
You might say: “Sometimes I feel really self-conscious during sex, and it makes it hard to relax.”
Just naming it can relieve pressure.
2. Shift your focus.
Instead of obsessing over how your body looks, try focusing on how it feels.
- What brings you pleasure?
- Where do you feel warmth, tingling, or softness?
This practice helps you move from self-judgment to self-awareness.
3. Build self-compassion.
Notice the harsh things you say to yourself. Would you say that to a friend? Probably not.
Practice offering yourself the same kindness and acceptance you’d give someone you love.
4. Create a safe space with your partner.
If you feel emotionally safe with your partner, invite them into the healing process. Let them know what helps you feel safe, even specific lighting, clothing, pace, and compliments.
5. Seek support.
Sometimes, the messages run deep. And you don’t have to untangle them alone.
Therapy Can Help You Come Home to Yourself
At our Portland-based couples and sex therapy clinic, we understand how body image can shape your sex life. We work with individuals and couples to explore how past experiences, cultural beliefs, and personal insecurities affect intimacy.
Through gentle, compassionate therapy, you can learn to:
- Feel more at home in your body
- Communicate your needs and boundaries
- Reconnect with desire
- Build a sexual relationship that honors your whole self
You don’t have to wait until you love every inch of your body to enjoy sex. You just need to feel safe, seen, and respected, starting with yourself.
You deserve to feel good in your body. You deserve pleasure, connection, and confidence. And we’re here to help you find it.
Reach out today to begin your healing journey. Schedule a free consultation today.
