We’ve all been there. 

You’re settling in for a relaxing Friday night. The kids are finally in bed…you’re both exhausted…it’s the first chance all week you and your partner have had to connect. 

But just like that, it all happens so fast, and you’re back, smack in the middle of an all-too-familiar argument.

Partner 1: “It’s been a while since we had sex. I don’t understand why you forget about this part of our relationship.” [a criticism or a complaint enters the room]

Partner 2: “We’ve been through this a thousand times. I’m tired, I’m doing my best. I don’t want to talk about this again.” [shutdown, defend, withdraw]

Here we go again, you might think to yourself. 

Now, you might instantly resonate with the scenario above…if not, just insert your own particular context: maybe the argument is about the dishes, the kids, the in-laws. The content might change, but there is often a familiar pattern underneath it all.

Here at The Center, we help couples find their way through the conflict and back to one another. One of the approaches we use in couples and sex therapy is called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT). Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is an evidence-based approach that uses Attachment Science to help partners create a secure bond and a deep connection with themselves and with others. [1] 

As you work with a therapist in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, you’ll find that EFTC allows you to:

1. Identify and change the negative interaction patterns that keep you and your partner stuck and in pain.
2. Create deep, lasting change between you and your partner. Research actually shows that this type of change prevents re-entry into therapy a few years down the road. [2]

If any of this resonates with you so far, we’re glad you found your way to our page. Let’s get into some specific ways EFCT can help.

3 Ways EFCT Can Help You Find Each Other Again

1. Fight Less; Like Your Partner More

It’s obvious, but it’s also a huge deal…conflict is the worrrrrst. 

Ongoing arguments that you keep falling into (and can’t seem to get out of) can have a huge impact on the security of an attachment relationship. 

Now, let’s be super clear: every couple will still have conflict. It’s not completely unavoidable. However, it doesn’t have to be the whole story. EFCT equips you with:

Imagine the ripple effects if you and your partner are getting sucked into less conflict on a weekly basis. You would be freed up to have fun again, have a teammate in the hard moments, feel less alone, feel like someone believes in you. And you might actually feel like having more sex (who knows?). 

But actually, we do know that emotional connection often leads to a stronger and deeper sexual connection. [2] As conflict decreases, safety often increases. This is a powerful shift in a relationship.

2. Use Predictable Patterns to Your Advantage

Have a toddler or a pet at home? Then you probably know how important predictability is to those little lives we care for. 

And the truth is: Predictability is just as important for adult humans, too. 

When conflict comes out of nowhere and catches us off guard, it’s so painful, leaving us feeling pretty out of control. 

We know through attachment research that emotional predictability in relationships builds emotional safety. If my mind and body can relax, I’m more ready and able to connect instead of scanning for danger or the next conflict. 

EFCT is a powerful approach because it helps couples learn and track their predictable patterns of conflict. When we can anticipate what’s coming next, we feel more capable to meet challenges when they do come our way. 

With your EFCT therapist, for example, you might look at who in the relationship typically turns up the heat by moving towards the other partner with a criticism, complaint, or accusation. Then, you might look for who typically tries to turn down the heat by shutting down, moving away, or going quiet.

3. Understand What’s Beneath the Pattern & Communicate What Matters

Often, the couples we work with find that what gets expressed on the outside isn’t always clearly aligned with the internal feeling or need on the inside. 

Honestly, this is just human nature. 

We often protect our vulnerabilities, feelings, and needs, especially when we’ve experienced prior hurt in attachment relationships. The pain of being seen as “too much” or being criticized and seen as “not enough” is a very painful place to be. 

One of the main goals of EFCT is to communicate the feeling beneath the behavior that’s upholding the cycle. 

So, What Does EFCT Look Like in Action?

Circling back to our couple from the very beginning of the article…this is an example of what a new dialogue and interaction could look like:

Partner 1: “I really miss you and would love to be close to you. When we go a long time after having sex, I can start to feel worried that you don’t want to be close to me in this way. I feel pretty alone.”

Partner 2: “Thanks for telling me how you feel around this topic. I didn’t know you were feeling worried or alone. I love you and miss you too. Tonight, I think I’m still catching my breath from the week, but could we plan a time this weekend to connect sexually?”

Now, that’s a different conversation! 

This is a couple who is able to ask for what they need in a way that invites connection. 

Our couples’ therapists at The Center would love to help you and your partner find this type of intimacy as well. Reach out and schedule a free consultation today!