You’ve been thinking about it for a while now. There’s this new idea, this fantasy that’s been playing in your mind. Maybe it’s something you saw in a movie or read in a book, or perhaps it’s a curiosity that’s always been there, lingering in the background. You find yourself daydreaming about it and wondering what it would be like to bring this new element into your bedroom.
But as exciting as it seems, there’s also a twinge of nervousness.
How do you bring this up with your partner? Will they understand? What if they judge you?
These thoughts can make you feel isolated. But the truth is, having fantasies and kinks is completely normal. Most people have desires that they’ve never shared, and opening up about them can actually strengthen the intimacy in your relationship.
First, let’s take a moment to normalize what you’re feeling. Fantasies and kinks are a natural part of human sexuality. They’re the desires that excite you, and the things that can make your heart race and your imagination run wild.
A kink is simply any unconventional sexual preference, while a fantasy is a mental exploration of sexual scenarios. These can range from the mild to the wild, and everyone’s preferences are unique.
It’s important to understand that having fantasies and kinks doesn’t make you strange or abnormal. They’re a part of who you are, and sharing them with your partner can lead to deeper connection and trust. The key is communication.
Communicating Your Desires
Talking about your fantasies and kinks with your partner might feel intimidating at first. You might worry about how they’ll react or fear being judged. However, open communication is the cornerstone of a healthy sexual relationship.
Let’s talk about how you can approach the conversation:
- Choose the Right Moment
Timing is crucial. Find a moment when you both feel relaxed and open to conversation. Avoid bringing it up during or immediately after sex, as this might add pressure. Instead, choose a quiet, low-stress time when you can both focus on each other.
- Start with a Positive Approach
Begin the conversation with some positives, like talking about your love and appreciation for your partner. Let them know that your desire to explore new things is about building on the connection you already share, not that you are dissatisfied.
- Be Honest and Vulnerable
Share your fantasy or kink in a way that feels authentic to you. It’s okay to admit that you feel nervous or unsure. This honesty can help your partner understand where you’re coming from.
- Encourage Openness
Your partner should have the space to share their thoughts and feelings, too. Ask them how they feel. This shouldn’t be a one-sided conversation. They may have their own fantasies they’ve been hesitant to share.
- Be Patient
Give your partner time to process what you’ve shared. They might need a little while to think it over and come to terms with their own feelings about it. Understand that they might not have a response right away, and that’s okay.
How to Introduce New Things
Once you’ve had the conversation, and all of you are open to exploring, it’s time to introduce new things into your sex life.
So, how do you do this in a way that focuses on comfort and mutual enjoyment?
Start Slow
Begin with small steps. If your fantasy involves a complex scenario, break it down into simpler elements that you can try gradually. This approach helps both of you ease into the new experience without feeling overwhelmed.
Set Boundaries
Discuss and agree on boundaries beforehand. What are both of you comfortable with? What are the limits? With clear boundaries set, both partners feel safe and respected.
Use Safe Words
If you’re trying something that might push your comfort zones, establish a safe word that either of you can use to pause or stop the activity at any time. This creates a sense of security and control.
Stay Communicative
Check in with each other regularly. Ask how they’re feeling, and share your own feelings, too. Open communication will help in adjusting the experience to suit both of your comfort levels.
Be Open to Feedback
After trying something new, talk about it. What did you enjoy? What could be improved? This feedback loop will allow you to refine your experiences and make them even more enjoyable.
Exploring new facets of your sexuality can be an exciting endeavor, but it’s also one that comes with its own set of challenges.
If you find that talking about or exploring fantasies and kinks is challenging, remember that it’s okay to seek help. Sometimes, having an unbiased third party, like a sex and couples therapist, can make it easier to navigate these conversations and experiences.
If you feel stuck or need support, know that you’re not alone. Our sex and couples therapists are here to help you navigate these sometimes complex waters. Don’t hesitate to reach out!
